Married couples’ diverse sex signals
Femi Daniel, 38, and Joke, 35, have been married for eight years, and have two children.
The couple have learnt to understand each other’s sexual nuances.
While Joke shyly communicates her sexual
needs to Daniel when she is in the mood for sex, her husband employs a
more direct approach.
Indeed to Daniel, sex is not just about
having kids, it goes beyond that. “It’s a serious matter,” was how
Daniel succinctly put it.
The couple have sex twice a week, on the
average. Often, Daniel initiates it but when it’s Joke who wants sex,
she never has to say it; Daniel reads the signs quite well.
“When my wife makes unnecessary noise at home, I know she’s in the mood for sex,” he said with a confident smile.
“If she’s putting a pot down, she does
it in a way that it gets my attention. She becomes hyperactive and
raises her voice just for me to take notice of her if I’m occupied with
something else.”
Once Daniel gets her message, he wastes no further time to seize the initiative and take it from there.
“I simply hold her from behind and we take it from there. I understand that she uses that style because she’s shy,” Daniel said.
Meanwhile, for Daniel, his approach,
should he be the one craving Joke’s attention, is to “mostly begin to
tease her and tell her why she’s the best woman.”
“Once she notices that I want her, she quietly gets on the bed and awaits me,” Daniel added.
Talking about sex is still a taboo in
many homes, including between married couples, in spite of being a
common practice. Even in this modern age, some married couples cannot
openly express their desire for sex with their partners lest they be
seen as aggressive about sex.
Therefore, many couples have devised
subtle ways of initiating sex, like the scenario described by Daniel, to
avoid the risk of being regarded as immoral. This is because in some
cases where people have reasons to regard their partners as such, doubts
are raised and trust becomes difficult, particularly when conservative
partners are involved.
Assertive men, subtle women
Findings by Saturday PUNCH show that men are usually the ones who initiate sex in marriages, as they tend to be more assertive than the women.
For instance, a banker, Helen Ogbuabor, spoke about an incident that almost ruined her best friend’s marriage of five years.
Her friend’s husband had been away for
over six months on a study leave. Her friend, Uju, had planned to give
her husband a special treat upon his return home.
“She went to him in their bedroom
without any clothes on and started undoing the zip of his trousers,
trying to show him how much she had missed him,” she recalled her
friend’s account.
“But her husband got angry and started questioning her. He started asking her what she had been doing while he was away.”
On the other hand, Ogbuabor’s husband,
Henry, is less conservative and therefore, more open to expressive
emotions. Ogbuabor and Henry have established codes they use when they
want sex.
Ogbuabor thanked her husband for the initiative since, according to her, the codes were coined by him.
“Since he’s also a banker, he can say
‘Honey, can I help you to balance the books later?’ I can reply by
saying ‘I will appreciate the help, thank you,’” she said.
“I can also ask if he would help with my
accounts and we will both understand that it’s about having sex and
nothing to do with work.
“Also, sometimes I strip down to my bras
and pants and walk around the bedroom to send him a message. My husband
catches on quickly.”
Ogbuabor also said they sometimes use
their codes in the presence of others, including their children and no
one ever suspects their real intentions.
But according to Tope Ibrahim, he never
gives any special thoughts to any moves as preambles to initiating sex
with his wife. Spontaneity is the key word for the IT specialist.
He said he only needs to kiss or touch his wife seductively to get her in bed.
“Usually, that’s what my wife does too;
she may touch me when we’re alone or grab my butts when I pass. If I’m
watching the TV, she may switch it off and ask me to come to bed. That
way, I know she wants me,” he said.
“But most times, we don’t think about it, it just happens.”
As for the Alabas, the husband is also more direct than the woman when initiating sex.
Akintunde Alaba, a civil servant, said
he often initiates sex in their marriage. Alaba said his favourite moves
are to ask his wife, Bimbo, for a hug or tell her he misses her, and
then take it further from there.
“Sometimes, I also start touching her and she will know. We may then decide to go inside (the bedroom) from there,” Alaba said.
Although, there have been few occasions
when Bimbo has had to initiate sex too in the relationship, but Alaba
described them as “rare.”
Alaba continued: “I guess, she doesn’t
really like to ask. When she does, it may be because we’ve not had sex
for some time, so she might start accusing me of having joined men that
deprive their wives of attention and their rights.
“Once she says that I will know and
cooperate in good time. But usually, I don’t wait till my wife initiates
sex. I’m a good husband, so she hardly needs to ask.”
Alaba also shared with our correspondent the method one of his friends employs to initiate sex at home.
“My pal told me he would just tell his
wife ‘I’m going inside (the bedroom)’ or ‘meet me inside’ to tell her
it’s showtime. But when I told my wife about it, she said she would
never follow me if I tried that with her,” Alaba said, jokingly.
Indeed, many women may find the method
being employed by Alaba’s friend in initiating sex with his wife as
crude. However, there are also men who are subtle in that regard too.
A trader, Mrs. Celestina Ehikhuemen, said she can always tell when her husband, Paul, wants sex.
“He arrives home early from work and
helps with the house chores. He may help with the dishes or suddenly
starts doting on me,” she said.
“When he’s doing that, I don’t need to be told that he wants something.”
‘I will host you tonight’
Mr. Gbolahan Joseph’s wife, Dunmola, is
shy; she never openly tells her husband she wants sex but he knows all
the same when she’s in the mood for some lovemaking.
Joseph, a marketing executive, said his
busy lifestyle sometimes prevents him from getting intimate with his
wife. But once it’s getting too long for Dunmola to bear, she takes the
initiative.
‘’Sometimes, we’re so busy and don’t
have time for each other. After a while, it gets to her and she will say
‘Baby, I will host you tonight’. On such nights, by the time I return
from work, she would have prepared my meal and got a bottle of wine
ready for me because she knows I drink.
“It also happens when I buy gifts she
really appreciates; she might also say she would host me at night. Of
course, we both know what will happen after the meal.”
Sexting your partner
For couples sleeping in separate rooms,
the situation is more interesting. The partner who is initiating sex may
employ the use of social media to pass the message across.
Before the advent of the social media,
it was common to hear about partners leaving love notes in their
spouse’s clothes, which some couples still do, irrespective of new
technologies. Some couples still find passing notes and wearing sexy
lingeries perfect to spark up their sex lives.
Nancy Osuji, 39, who sleeps in a
separate room from her husband, Johnson, 41, has been using text
messages to communicate her sexual moods.
Anytime Osuji is in the mood for
lovemaking, she would text her husband to let him know that his
attention is needed in her room.
She said, “I start with a text message
that says ‘baby, are you sleeping in my room tonight?’ I don’t know how
to say ‘come and make love to me or whatever,’ so I just say ‘come and
sleep in my room.’
“My husband jokes a lot, so he will say
‘no.’ I will send another message, ‘Why now? Come and sleep in my room.’
He will now say: ‘Put it in writing.’ I may wait and wait for him and
he will not come. I may send a Blackberry message, saying ‘are you still
coming?’ and he will say: ‘I said put it in writing.’
Most times, he’s the one who initiates
it and he doesn’t need any preamble. He just enters my room. He will
come to my bed and hold me. He doesn’t have to tell me that he wants to
make love to me or whatever. Although, we don’t sleep in the same room, I
don’t lock my door. He’s free to open the door at any time.
“Sometimes, when I tell him to come and
sleep in my room, he may reply that he’d think about it. At times, he
sleeps off and doesn’t bother to come. And at times, he comes.”
Sometimes, Nancy is also forced to go to Johnson’s room.
She continued, “When I have serious urge, I go to his room to sleep and return to my room.”
The couple have been sleeping in
separate rooms since they got married about a decade ago. While Nancy
loves cold weather and enjoys putting on the air conditioner at night,
Johnson is prone to catching a cold and so, prefers warm weather.
Since the couple could not reach a compromise on the right temperature, they chose to sleep in separate rooms.
“So when I go to his room, I still
return to my room later because I can’t cope with the heat in his room
unless the weather is cold, which is not always the case,” she said.
“When I go to his room, he may say, ‘What is it? I don’t want to do. Go to your room. Leave me alone, abeg.’ He will joke about it and make fun of me. I will also joke and say ‘what is wrong with you?’”
Sleeping in separate rooms however seems to affect intimacy between married couples.
Osuji, who agreed with the assertion,
said, “Had it been that we were sleeping in the same room and I was
touching him, it would happen often. Then we have to consider the stress
of moving from one room to the other, especially since our rooms are
not adjacent to each other. He will need to take 15-20 steps to get to
my room.”
But in spite of the stress of moving
from one room to another, some people have argued in favour of couples
sleeping in separate rooms.
A 70-year-old businessman, Joshua
Olubanjo, who slept in a separate room from his late wife for over 40
years, said it would give partners some privacy in marriage.
“It means partners can retire to their
own private space at night,” he said. “It’s also good for the man or
woman whose partner keeps too many times around.”
On how he and his late wife initiated
sex in the period they were together in the absence of mobile phones,
Olubanjo said: “I would ask her to come over to my room or she would
come herself.
“There were times we would share a room for a few days, and we would eventually return to status quo after the few days.”
Ijeoma Ajibola, a marriage counsellor
and President of Home Menders International, which hosts a monthly forum
for couples, said it doesn’t matter what ways couples use in
communicating their sexual needs as long as they work well for both
parties.
“I think it is safe to say the end justifies the means,” she said.
Speaking further, Ajibola said most
women tend to be conservative in expressing their sexual needs to their
spouses because of their upbringing, adding that married couples ought
to sleep in the same room for enriched intimacy.
She said, “Many women were raised under
very strict and conservative ways, with the belief system that women are
to be seen and not heard and that it is a man’s responsibility to make
every move. Some women don’t want to be seen as ‘prostitutes’.
“Also, some women are shy and find it
difficult to speak up, though this isn’t a good excuse not to initiate
sex because in marriage, we are supposed to be naked and unashamed. Most
husbands I have spoken to say they appreciate it a lot when their wives
initiate sex.
“It is absolutely wrong for couples to
sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. The aim of intimacy, which is
oneness is defeated. If you are married and you still ‘need your space’,
which is the reason some couples give for staying in separate rooms,
then you have no business getting married.”
A marriage counsellor and family life
coach, Pastor Bisi Adewale, blamed tradition and religion for some of
the reasons why some married women are shy about revealing their
sexuality to their spouses.
“When people are single, religion tells
them that sex is bad, but nobody tells them when they are getting
married that sex is now good, and that they can enjoy it, talk about it
and play about it. They go into the marriage with the traditions coupled
with religious bigotry.
“A woman once said she was told by her
mother that women should not enjoy sex, that it’s for the men. She also
told her that even if she enjoys it, she’s should pretend otherwise so
that the man will not think she’s wayward. So the tradition puts a
curtain around bedroom live, even among couples.”
In addition, Adewale warned couples against sleeping in separate rooms, describing it as bad for marriages.
He said, “Sleeping together helps
intimacy and love between spouses. It also helps them to solve their
misunderstandings. I’ve seen a situation where a man died in his
separate room; his door was locked. He struggled to get to the door and
was only able to hold the door handle. He died there. If he was sleeping
in the same room with his wife, maybe it could have saved his life.
“When spouses sleep together, they hold
hands and talk into the night. They can be intimate and it’s not just
about sex. We discovered that couples that sleep in the same room have
more sex than those staying in separate rooms; they also sort out their
quarrels easily. They are able to forgive each other and settle
conflicts easily. Some people will say ‘my husband snores’, but such
things are immaterial.”
